Livin' Da Vida London...

Haven’t been swimming in glacier rivers or partaking in illegal radio activity lately so thought I might share a few bits and bobs that have kept me amused.

Firstly, there’s this odd looking gentleman on the left who I feel is a more compelling image than any castle, palace, or bridge that I’ve seen in my time in London. Now, I know what you’re asking: “Is that a mirrorball helmet he has on his head”. And my answer to that would be: “Yes!” My mate Josh and I were at a club called EGG having a bit of a boogie when I turned around and saw possibly the funniest thing I’ve witnessed in my 26 years. Without a moment to spare Josh snapped the pic; and the reason my image is slightly blurred is that I was in a fit of uncontrollable laughter, shaking like a spastic. To this day I still wonder what possess a man to take a mirror ball and cut from it a motorbike helmet? He’s even shown some quality craftsmanship with the rubber edging. My only regret is that I never got to see his Vespa… the mind boggles.

The second thing I wish to share with you is my weekly tradition. Each Monday on the way to the supermarket I pick up the TNT Magazine. This is a free mag marketed at Kiwis, Aussies and Saffas; with articles and info on how to survive in London. It also includes news and sports stories from back home (which is how I remain such a dominant force in the Virtual NPC competition). It’s not a bad little publication – I’m sure it would have been a valuable resource in the days before the internet… I’m just really bitter because they turned me down for the sports editor job. Alas, the reason I make it a tradition to snaffle the TNT Magazine each week is for the “Desperately Seeking” page (stop laughing people – that’s not meant to be the funny bit!) It’s filled with short advertisements from said Kiwis, Aussies and Saffas who’ve got completely tanked at establishments like the Outback, the Redback, the Walkabout, the Church, or, worse than them all put together, the Fulham Slug & Lettuce (otherwise known as the “Slug & Legless”); they’ve met someone from the opposite sex and due to levels of intoxication haven’t quite claimed the meatpack from their raffle win, if you get my drift. So, placing an ad in the “Desperately Seeking” section they hope to pick up from where they regrettably stumbled home.

Now back to the Monday tradition… with TNT Mag in one hand and a pair of snips in the other my flatmate, Sarah, and I cut out our favourite “Desperately Seeking” ad of the week and place it on the fridge. Ads are adjudicated victory due to various criteria – some for the description of themselves or the person their desperately seeking; others for the reason they didn’t seal the deal on the night; and others simply because of their hotmail addresses.

So, envelope please, here is a selection of our weekly winners…

Tall blone girl at the Redback on September 11 with black hair band: I couldn’t come over cause I was too tired and drunk. I didn’t want to stuff it up. I was wearing a blue stripped T-shirt. Please, I’m nice. Email puttingitoff@hotmail.com.

Aussie Joanne with the pretty eyes who was at the Redback, Sunday August 28: You should be kissed, and often, by someone who knows how. Email enchantediam@hotmail.com

Seeking gorgeous golf guy: You got on the Northern line at London Bridge and off at Clapham North, Sunday evening on August 21: You had your golf clubs with you. I was in the jeans and pink singlet surrounded by IKEA bags. Would you like to have a drink with me at the 19th hole? Email: missmilo@hotmail.co.uk

Andrew? At the Church & SheBu Walkie, Sunday July 31: You were wearing a white top and I was the blonde Kiwi in the blue top whose name you couldn’t remember. Hope I got yours right. I kissed a random girl on stage and then lost you on the dance-floor. You said you were nearing the end of you visa. I hope I’m not too late. Email Kiwi-G@hotmail.co.uk

The gorgeous Qantas guy at Fulham Broadway station: I often see you and look forward to the next time our flight paths cross. I’m still waiting for an application to join that club, so email me at milehighclubapplicant@hotmail.co.uk

Melbourne marketing girl: We met at Fulham Slug Thursday, August 4. You recognised me from back home. I wasn’t in the best mood – I should have been after seeing you (what was I thinking?). I couldn’t hear you, but I wanted to talk. Email mailto:ineedtospeekup@hotmail.com

Sexy Kiwi boy on tube on September 20 at 6pm: We met on a crowded tube and we stood so close. I blurted out “this is one way to meet someone”. We laughed and spoke before you got off at Earl’s Court. You have black hair, an incredible smile. I have blonde hair, Dior green glasses and was wearing a black suit. You’ve just arrived from NZ and I from Australia. You made my heart skip. Email Amba_THR37@hotmail.com

Tall English guy at Kings Cross EGG, Saturday 24 Sepetmber: I bumped into you on the dance-floor. We had our photo taken. I have a ginger beard. I’ll pay top dollar for you motorbike helmet. Email sparklyskidlids@hotmail.com

That’ll do it for now – but just quickly…

What do you call four Chavs in a mini? Innit!

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In a rack!